YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS 𖤓 Do’s & Don’ts When Someone You Love Is Suicidal

You cannot control the outcome. But your presence can still make a difference.

When someone you love is suicidal, you can feel incredibly powerless.

What are you supposed to say?

Should you talk? Stay quiet? Distract them? Give them space? Stay close?

You may be terrified of saying the wrong thing. You want to help, so perhaps you immediately start searching for solutions. Or you freeze because the thought of losing someone you love overwhelms you too.

I’m writing this as a psychologist, from my own lived experience, and from the experience of standing beside people I care about who have struggled with suicidality. But also from the experience of loss to suicide, wishing I could have offered this kind of presence.

I know different sides of this kind of despair.

What it can feel like from the inside.

What it means to sit beside it professionally.

And what it is like to stand next to someone you care about.

Perhaps because of my own experiences, I have often intuitively sensed what someone might need in a moment like this.

Stay.

Listen.

Don’t be frightened by what is being said.

Don’t immediately try to fix it.

Let someone feel:

You are welcome. Even with this.

For me, that has often felt almost self-evident. But it has also made me realize more and more that what feels natural to me can be an enormous struggle for someone who loves a person in this much pain.

Because what do you actually do when someone you love suddenly says:

❝I don’t want to live anymore.❞

Perhaps that is why writing about this feels almost vitally important to me.

Not because one perfect response can prevent suicide.

And not because you are responsible for the outcome of someone else’s life.

But because the way we meet someone in a dark moment can make a difference.

Whether someone feels even more like a burden.

Or a little less alone.

Whether they shut down.

Or finally dare to tell you what is really happening.

Whether, for a moment, they can experience:

I am heard.

I matter.

I don’t have to carry this alone.

You do not have the power to control the outcome.

But you are not powerless in this moment.

➸ Recognize how much courage it may have taken to tell you

Someone who is suicidal may feel like a burden.

Too much.

Unimportant.

As though the people they love would be better off without them.

And from that place, admitting that they cannot keep going can take an enormous amount of courage.

When someone says:

❝I don’t want to do this anymore.❞

don’t only hear the despair.

Hear the reaching out.

Someone is letting you into something they may have been carrying alone for a very long time.

That is not being difficult.

That is brave.

You don’t need to have the perfect response.

You can say:

❝Thank you for telling me.❞

❝It’s good that you’re sharing this with me.❞

❝It took courage to tell me this.❞

❝You are not bothering me with this.❞

And listen.

Don’t immediately repair.

Don’t convince.

Don’t explain why they should feel differently.

Let them tell you what is really going on.

➸ For a moment, don’t give advice

When someone tells you they don’t want to live anymore, you want to do something.

Find solutions.

Give them reasons to stay.

Tell them what they could try.

That is understandable. You want to ease their pain. You want to find something that helps.

But someone who is completely overwhelmed does not always need more.

Suicidality is complex and does not have one single cause. What I often see, however, is that in a moment like this, everything has become too much.

Too much pain.

Too many thoughts.

Too much tension.

Too much grief.

Too much, for too long.

Another piece of advice can then feel like one more thing they have to do.

While what they are really saying is:

❝It is already too much.❞

So don’t immediately add something.

First, take some of the pressure away.

➸ What if, just for now, nothing is required of you?

This is one of the questions I find most important:

❝What if, just for now, nothing is required of you?❞

You don’t have to feel better.

You don’t have to think positively.

You don’t need a solution.

You don’t need to know what tomorrow will look like.

You don’t need to reassure me.

You do not have to sort out your life right now.

And whatever is here is allowed to be here.

Sadness.

Fear.

Anger.

Exhaustion.

Despair.

Even:

❝I don’t want to do this anymore.❞

can be spoken aloud.

Not because we agree with the despair.

Not because suicide is being accepted as the solution.

But because someone should not have to fight what they are already feeling on top of everything else.

You are welcome with everything that is here. Even now.

➸ Bring it back to this one minute 〰️ to the absolute now

In my work as a psychologist, I also support clients who struggle with suicidal thoughts. With some of them, I intentionally keep a short line of communication open. When things become unbearable, they know they can reach out within the boundaries of our professional work together, and I try to schedule an urgent support session as soon as possible.

Being able to offer that matters deeply to me.

Because from my own experience, I know how long waiting can feel when you are in crisis now.

It is something I would have deeply appreciated myself at certain moments in my past.

That is why there are times when, late in the evening, I find myself sitting across from someone on a video call who is completely overwhelmed and no longer knows how to move forward.

We don’t begin with the rest of their life.

We begin here.

❝What are you feeling?❞

❝Where do you feel it?❞

❝What hurts so much?❞

❝What has become too much?❞

I don’t get scared by what someone tells me. Not when it is dark, raw or painful. Especially then, I try not to move away from their experience, but to stay with them in it for a moment. So they don’t also have to fight what is already there, or carry it entirely on their own.

A large part of how I work is about allowing and welcoming emotions rather than immediately trying to make them disappear.

We return to what is actually being felt.

To the body.

We breathe.

And, where it is helpful and tolerable, some of the struggle with what is happening can begin to soften.

This is my therapeutic way of working within a broader approach in which safety, professional assessment and appropriate follow-up care always matter.

And then we make the world smaller.

Not tomorrow.

Not next week.

Not the whole past.

Not the rest of your life.

This one minute.

The absolute now.

This breath.

This chair.

This room.

This moment.

You don’t even have to do this minute well.

You don’t have to perform.

You do not have to make a decision about the rest of your life right now.

❝You don’t have to do anything right now. We’re only staying with this one minute.❞

And then we look again.

What I often see is that the overwhelm can begin to settle a little.

Not because the problems have suddenly disappeared.

Not because someone has been convinced in one conversation that life is wonderful.

And not because everything that brought them to this moment has suddenly been resolved.

But because they no longer have to carry everything at once.

Sometimes a little space returns.

A little rest.

Perhaps even a small reconnection with what they need.

And sometimes a little space is the first thing we need.

➸ Carry it together, for now

When someone says:

❝I can’t carry this anymore.❞

you don’t automatically have to respond:

❝Yes, you can. You’re strong.❞

You can also say:

❝Then you don’t have to carry it alone right now.❞

Stay.

Sit beside them.

Make tea. Get a blanket. If it is appropriate and safe, go outside together for a little while. Hold their hand or offer a hug if physical contact is welcome.

You don’t have to keep talking.

Presence is doing something.

And say what they may no longer be able to feel for themselves in that moment:

❝I love you.❞

❝You matter to me.❞

❝You are not a burden to me.❞

They don’t have to believe those words immediately for you to be allowed to say them.

There is a difference between being a burden and carrying something unbearably heavy.

You are not difficult. You are having a difficult time.

But don’t turn love into an argument.

Not:

But you have so much to live for.

Not:

Think about what this would do to us.

Love should not become one more weight someone has to carry.

Love can simply say:

I see you.

I hear you.

I’m here.

➸ Talk with someone 〰️ not only about them

When you are frightened, you may start calling people, consulting others and arranging help.

That may be necessary.

But don’t lose sight of the person while you are trying to help them.

Talk with them. Not only about them.

Ask:

❝What do you need right now?❞

❝Who would you like to have here with you?❞

❝Shall we call someone together?❞

❝What would help you feel a little safer right now?❞

Wherever possible, involve them in what is happening.

Not because they have to make every decision themselves.

But because someone who already feels powerless, unimportant or burdensome does not also need to experience:

People are talking about my life as though I’m no longer part of the conversation.

When someone’s safety is at risk, it may be necessary to act even when they do not want you to.

But even then, you can continue to tell them what you are doing and why:

❝I hear how serious this is. I don’t want to leave you alone with this. We’re going to get some help.❞

Keep seeing the person. Not only the crisis.

➸ Dare to ask directly about suicide

If you are afraid someone may be suicidal, you do not have to tiptoe around the subject.

You can ask directly:

❝Are you thinking about suicide?❞

❝Are you thinking about hurting or killing yourself?❞

❝Are you safe right now?❞

Many people worry that asking directly about suicide might put the idea into someone’s head.

It doesn’t.

Open and direct questions can create space for someone to tell you what is really happening.

If someone is experiencing suicidal thoughts, it is important to understand how immediate the danger may be.

Do they have a specific plan or intention?

Have they taken steps to prepare?

Can they keep themselves safe right now?

Is professional support already involved?

A specific plan is important information, but suicidality cannot be reduced to one question or one answer.

Professional guidance also cautions against reducing suicide risk to a simple score or labels such as low, medium or high.

What matters is the individual person, their needs and circumstances, and their immediate and longer-term safety.

And as a loved one, you are not expected to perform a complete professional risk assessment yourself.

If you are unsure whether someone is safe, don’t carry that assessment alone.

Bring in professional or acute support.

➸ Love also means taking action

Listening, acknowledging someone’s pain and being present can matter enormously.

But when someone’s immediate safety is at risk, presence alone is not enough.

If someone may act on suicidal thoughts, has a concrete intention or plan, or cannot safely be left alone:

» Stay with them where it is safe for you to do so.

» Take what they are telling you seriously.

» Involve professional or acute support.

» Don’t promise secrecy when someone’s life may be at risk.

» Don’t try to manage immediate danger entirely on your own.

If there is immediate danger to life: call 911.

You can say:

❝I’m staying with you. This is too much to carry alone. We’re going to get some help.❞

Reaching for professional help does not mean your love or presence has failed.

You are widening the circle that can carry this with them.

➸ Make a plan together for when things get dark again

Once there is enough safety and space, it can help to look ahead together.

Because in the middle of despair, it can be incredibly difficult to remember what helps, who you can call or where you can go.

You might ask:

❝How do you notice that things are starting to get darker?❞

❝What helps you then 〰️ even a little?❞

❝Who would you like us to involve?❞

❝Where can you go if being alone doesn’t feel safe?❞

❝What can we agree on for a moment when you no longer know what you need?❞

Where appropriate, and ideally together with professional support, discuss what help is available and what can be done to make the environment safer.

The word together matters to me here.

A safety plan is not:

❝Promise me you won’t do anything.❞

It is not a promise someone has to make in order to reassure you.

It is looking ahead together:

If it gets this dark again 〰️ what helps you, who can stand beside you, and what are we going to do?

➸ How would you actually want to live?

Safety comes first.

And when the immediate overwhelm has settled enough for a little space to return, different questions can gently begin to emerge.

Not only:

How do we make sure you stay alive?

But also:

How would you want to live?

❝What do you need?❞

❝What would you no longer want to have to carry?❞

❝What do you long for?❞

❝What might need to change?❞

And perhaps:

❝If you didn’t have to live the way you think you’re supposed to 〰️ how would you want to live?❞

Sometimes, beneath:

❝I don’t want to live anymore.❞

there may also be an intense longing not to have to keep living like this.

That is not true for everyone.

And it is not an explanation for suicidality.

Suicidality is far too complex for that.

So don’t assume.

Ask.

And when there is enough safety, alongside the question:

How do we help you stay safe?

there may slowly be room for another:

What would you need in order to feel more able to live?

➸ And don’t forget yourself

When someone you love is suicidal, you can slowly begin to feel as though you are responsible for keeping them alive.

As though every sentence you say could determine the outcome.

As though you must always be available.

As though you are not allowed to leave.

As though, if something happens, it must mean you did not do enough.

But:

Being present is not the same as being responsible for someone else’s life.

You can help.

You can listen.

You can stay.

You can help someone access professional support.

But you do not have to become their only safety net.

You are allowed to ask for support too.

You are allowed to say:

❝This is too much for me to carry alone, too.❞

YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS 𖤓

When someone you love says:

❝I can’t do this anymore.❞

you do not have to solve their entire life.

Listen.

Stay.

Dare to ask.

Take their despair seriously.

Bring in help when their safety requires it.

And perhaps, in that moment, what you can say is simply:

❝I hear you.

You matter to me.

You are not a burden to me.

You don’t have to solve anything right now.

I’m here.

And you don’t have to carry this alone.❞

You cannot control the outcome.

But you are not powerless in this moment. 𖤓

𖤓 Please reach out

If you or someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please don’t carry this alone.

Tell someone you trust, your GP or therapist, or contact 113 Suicide Prevention.

And if you feel that the way I work resonates with you, you are welcome to reach out to me too.

You don’t have to know exactly what you need.

You don’t have to know how to explain everything.

You can simply begin with:

❝I’m not doing well, and I don’t know what to do next.❞

Then we can look together at what is happening, what you need, and whether I may be able to support you within my psychological practice.

Please reach out.

You don’t have to carry this alone. 𖤓

Professional note

I am writing this article as a psychologist, drawing on both my professional experience and my own lived experience. In my work, I also support people who struggle with suicidal thoughts.

With some of my existing clients, I intentionally maintain a short line of communication within our ongoing professional work together. When things become unbearable, they know they can reach out to me, and I try to arrange an urgent support session as soon as possible.

This is part of my professional psychological support and does not mean that I am available 24/7 or provide acute crisis care. An urgent support session does not replace acute or emergency care when someone’s immediate safety is at risk.

This article offers psychological information and practical guidance, but it cannot replace an individual professional assessment of suicidality, safety or appropriate treatment.

Are you thinking about suicide, or are you worried about someone?

You can contact 113 Suicide Prevention day and night. Call 113 or 0800-0113 free of charge, or use the chat. You can also contact 113 as a loved one for information, advice and support.

If there is immediate danger to life: call 911.

Sources

The general information in this article about suicidality, asking directly about suicidal thoughts, professional assessment, safety and safety planning is informed by guidance and information from:

113 Suicide Prevention 〰️ information and support for people experiencing suicidal thoughts and for people who are worried about someone they care about.

World Health Organization (WHO) 〰️ Suicide: Questions and Answers 〰️ including information about the complexity and multiple contributing factors involved in suicidal behaviour.

NICE 〰️ Self-harm: assessment, management and preventing recurrence (NG225) 〰️ including guidance on assessment, collaborative safety planning and avoiding simplistic low, medium or high risk stratification.

VA/DoD Clinical Practice Guideline for Assessment and Management of Patients at Risk for Suicide 〰️ including guidance on comprehensive assessment, safety planning and the management of suicide risk.

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